FINALLY, STUFF HAPPENS

LaTroy Hawkins's discovers that his glory with the Twins faded under Dusty Baker. Giants bought him, giving up a couple of bullpen heifers in the process. Felipe Alou greeted Hawkins with this gem: "Welcome to a very calm clubhouse," a thinly veiled reference to the turmoil and stress Dusty Baker spins like a web. Hawkins debuted today in San Francisco, while the Giants popped veins trying to stave off the vastly superior Padres. With Hawkins' shocking help, the Giants nearly won, but their closer-who-isn't, Tyler Walker, received distorting signals from le Cloud de Doom, allowing San Diego the split second they needed to humiliate the Giants in their own pretty park.

The Nationals, also facing a vastly superior team in the Cardinals, went into the 3rd game of the series with 5 losses in a row, and a dip for the first time this season beneath .500. But that cherubic baby doll Brad Wilkerson, he of the near mentally retarded mien and heart huge and heavy as gold, yielded three doubles and some runs in the process, allowing D.C.'s literally wounded team (if anybody else goes on the DL, they'll have to start recruiting fans from the bleachers) to take a sweet and precious game away from the daunting Cardinals, returning D.C. to .500.

Today's Cubs conquest over the puny Rockies may not mean much in the grand scheme of things, but it put Chicago back at .500, in the number 2 spot in their division (oh, only 7.5 games behind St. Louis), and gave baseball fans even more reasons to not miss Sammy Sosa: Derek Lee, part time superhero, part time Jedi. With 17 total runs in 5 of 9 innings, this was the most fun you'll have watching a baseball game since the Nationals stunned the Giants back on May 7th.