PITCH THIS

He's Clark Kent out there.

When my Dad and I were in Scottsdale for a few days of Giants Spring Training in early March, he taught me all kinds of things about pitching. My Dad, a one-time consummate athlete, played semi-pro ball for a while. He reminded me that offense and field defense by themselves win games, but never seasons. You have to have at least two and preferably four massively talented pitchers to contain the opposition. That configuration of pitchers can often consist solely of starters, but a sweet combination of strong starters and one or two strong closers are pretty much the baseball equivalent of kevlar. See 2004 Dodgers and Yankees for more information.

As: Have Zito, but they lost Mulder. Harden and Sarloos -- I don't know enough about them to comment on their season-long skills.

Giants: Have perennial superstar Schmidt and who-the-fuck-knows-how-good-he'll-be-this-time Kirk Rueter, plus young guns in Jerome Williams and Brett Tomko. Tomko <way much emphasis>performed</way much emphasis> for SF in late 2004. That's why he's in the rotation this year. Can he last a whole season? Jerome -- tough to tell. He's good, sometimes stellar, but I don't feel like I can kick up my feet and take comfort in the promise of carnage the way I do when Schmidt pitches. Rueter. Ugh. Makes me nervous. He's like a superhero who can't operate his own garage door. We'll see.

Cubs: Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Greg Maddux. Normally, that would be a no brainer. But sometimes Wood is Jason Schmidt on Kirk Rueter pills. Nervewracking. When I started paying attention to Wood, he already had a reputation as a guy prone to injury. As a pitcher, he was considered brilliant or, well, not brilliant. With the loss of so much offensive power, the Cubs can't afford a single chink in their pitching armor (I have a Masters in pitching armor). Jedi master Dusty Baker may have something up his sleeve in the Cubs' wonky bullpen. Again, we'll see.

And can I just say that I want to have Mark Prior's babies? I don't care how many. Ten, twenty little Priors pooping on the carpet, I won't mind. Mr. Hottie Pitcher is always a fracture line from the Rob-Nenn Endless DL List™, but he's amazing to watch. He's Clark Kent out there. How can you resist that?